Dry Heat

Small Medium at Large Pt 6

Nothing Bad Can Come From This

Iky, fashionably late as always, shows up at the faerie/vampire rave. She meets up with Boo Shwazee and they end up in the security control room that monitors the coliseum where the Vampire State of the Union is going down. Through their combined awesome Presence (and randomly hitting every button), they gain complete control over the control room.

Meanwhile, Greg, Rory, and Koehler leave the faerie bunny kitchen and meet up with Billy in the mushroom field, who has just returned from communing with the rest of the universe. (Leo stays behind in the kitchen and makes a snack or something?)

There’s a red and purple faerie ring of mushrooms. Greg kicks a purple one and it bites him. Eventually, Billy and Rory enter one and Greg enters the other. They vanish and weird creatures appear inside the rings. Koehler is extremely confused and just wanders into one of the rings at random.

Regardless of what magic faerie teleportation ring they entered, everyone is teleported to backstage in the coliseum. On stage, Jeff Goldblum, Willem Defoe, and Tilda Swinton are arguing intensely. We now realize that Tilda Swinton was the woman who told us how to sneak in the back earlier (and sold us the magic spaghetti fork).

Because of all the faerie alcohol consumed by this point, the actual order of events gets a little hazy.

Important points are:

  • Jeff Goldblum and Tilda Swinton are White Court and Willem Defoe is Red Court.
  • Tilda Swinton is trying to get the group to kill Jeff Goldblum for her so she can stage a coup.
  • Koehler hid behind a box because that’s what she does best.
  • Jeff Goldblum was not wearing a shirt.
  • Iky and Boo Shwazee drop the curtain, causing the audience to miss out on what would have been a great show.
  • Actually I think the audience fled the amphitheater at some point but I can’t remember why.
  • The group likely did a terrible job conveying their mission. Jeff Goldblum seemed perplexing by us shouting “you killed the stripper” at him.
  • The group decided to stick to their M.O. of kidnapping everyone they meet.
  • Iky figures out the PA system and starts coordinating the clowns on stage into something resembling a plan.
  • Koehler slaps Willem Defoe with her magic light ring.

Eventually, Tilda Swinton gets shot in the heart by Rory (paralyzing her) then gets tied up. Willem Defoe gets tied up with Rory’s rosary (because he’s a basic Red Court bitch), then some rope for good measure. Jeff Goldblum is an unstoppable sexual dynamo, so he becomes obsessed with Billy’s dildo rake and gets led around like a cat with string.

tl;dr: We kidnap three major vampires with no long term plans and fully expect zero consequences for our actions.


zartunindi keithburgundy

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